The Resilient Widow

Well... this sure is a scary time to be alive, isn't it? This recent pandemic has been so scary for so many people. Myself included. This time of unknown and uncharted territory can bring about so much fear, panic and stress in peoples lives. And it has. People are hoarding supplies. Schools are shutting down. Jobs are being cut. So many lives are being affected. How can we deal with the daily fear and stress? No idea. As someone who suffers from anxiety and OCD, this is such a terrifying time. I was already having a pity party about being in Maryland. I sat down recently and told Kris that I wasn't happy here. I told him that I am someone who thrives off community and support. And that is something that we lack in Maryland. I find myself feeling so bad for myself. I even had the thought, "Maybe I am not supposed to be happy here. Maybe my job is just to support Kris, and raise my kids." What a martyr. Then I heard a song by Jeremy Camp titled, "Keep Me In The ...

Hello, and greetings from Huntingtown, Maryland! Our new home for the next 2.5 years or so. We have lived here for 17 days. And things are already in full swing! The house is pretty much put together, aside from a few boxes and such. The girls started school immediately, and have already made some wonderful friends! We have had multiple play dates, met some sweet new friends, and Evelynn has joined Girl Scouts! The girls have taken to their new home with such ease and grace; I could learn a thing or two from them. For me, the move has been an exciting and scary change. As I have stated before, I have lived in California for my entire life. This move was not expected and came quickly. Well, the news of the move came quickly, but I had a long 9 months to worry, think and ignore the fact that we were moving. The first week was full of so much excitement! My sister flew out with us, so we had fun checking out all of the sites with Auntie Bre! Finding our new grocery store, getting acquai...

Hello everyone! It has been almost two months since my last blog post, and a lot has happened! As I have mentioned before, we are moving to Maryland in February, Kris actually leaves in January. When we first found out about the move, it was hard. But it seemed unreal. It was in the future and not worth stressing over. Well, here we are, mid December, and it has become all too real. Painfully real. I must admit, I have not handled it as well as I thought that I would. But, I will go into that later. I will start by saying that we were very fortunate to receive a full-price offer on our home! What a blessing. However, our home sold in less than a week. I was not prepared for everything to move along so quickly. So instead of selling our home after the holidays like I had hoped, and moving into my parents for a week or two, we were out by November 20th. We moved into a townhouse. With none of our furniture. Just rentals and borrowed furniture from amazing family and friends. Our home b...

October has come again. Like it does every year, without fail. I used to look forward to this time of year. Fall. Family outings to the pumpkin patch. Halloween. Now, I dread it. October 5th will mark nine years since Daniel, my late Husband, lost his life while serving our country in Afghanistan. And now, my body physically starts to ache around this time. I lose sleep. I get short-tempered. My body reacts to the trauma that occured almost nine years ago. I have written multiple blogs about this day. About how my Dad had to come to work and tell me that Dan had died, since I wasn't home to receive the dreaded knock on the door. About how I had to tell Dan's best friend and Father that he was gone. About how I literally went into a dream like fog while planning his funeral; staring at pictures of caskets and headstones. It is still a time that seems so vivid and painful, but also like I was watching someone else experience it.  It's hard to put into words. And like I have...

Anxiety; my constant companion, my unwanted partner in life. Anxiety can be a real bitch. I remember lying in bed when I was a young girl, worrying that my parents who were out for the evening, were surely injured or dead from a car crash. I had horrible homesickness throughout grade school. I just wanted to be in my safe place. Luckily, my anxiety subsided the older I got. And by the time I was in my teens, it was gone. I was a care-free and happy girl. Fast forward to 2011. Anxiety THROUGH THE ROOF. But how could I not have anxiety? Cancer in 2009. Losing my Husband in 2010. Cancer again in 2011. The bad news just kept on coming. The other shoe fell. And fell again. My brain became conditioned to fear and expect the worst. And it did. And boy oh boy did it affect all areas of my life. Becoming pregnant with my oldest was a true miracle. I was told I couldn't conceive naturally. So when I became pregnant, I was elated! Obviously. But I was also terrified. 24/7. I just "knew...

Well, hello there strangers! It has been almost THREE years since my last post. What? I have no excuse, except for being a busy Mama and Fiancé. But from this point on, I will commit to post much more often. I am hoping to start some speaking gigs, so if you know anywhere or anyone that needs a motivational pep talk or testimony, I am your gal! Ok, so I am going to give you a super quick update on what has been going on in my world for the past three years. My two little girls are now 5 and 3 years old, and as of Christmas Eve last year, I have a FIANCE (Kris)! Yay! I am two years in to my Master's Degree in Psychology. I will finish in less than a year, and will begin my licensure hours towards becoming a Marriage and Family Therapist. Kris was deployed to Afghanistan in the spring, and then returned home from his deployment early. Honestly, I am not sure that my anxiety would have held out for another three months anyways, so that was a tremendous blessing. I am STILL cancer fr...

October 5th is the day that I dread each and every year. October 5th is the day that I re-live the very worst day of my life. Today marks six years since Dan was killed in action while serving our country. And as this day approaches, the feelings and emotions re-surface as it was happening all over again. The pain, the sadness, the shock; it all comes flooding back. So to sum it up… today SUCKS. It is such a weird feeling. Because my life is pretty amazing. I have the love of a wonderful and supportive man named Kristopher. I have two beautiful little girls that I get to stay home with and watch grow and blossom. And I have a home that Kris and I created together, that is full of love and laughter. But when October 5th shows its ugly face, I revert back to the newlywed who learned that her Husband of four months was killed. And it is so incredibly confusing and difficult to exist as both people for those 24 hours. Because for the other 364 days of the year, I remember Dan in such a ...

It has taken me quite some time to realize that the life I thought I was going to live, is not going to happen. Growing up, I pictured myself as being this perfect housewife. With a perfect home. Perfect children. Perfect everything. Obviously, this was very naive of me. And if the past seven years of my life have taught me anything at all, it is that I am imperfect. Flawed. Broken. And after a lot of time, thinking, and therapy; I have discovered that I am totally and completely okay with it. In fact, I kind of love it. Because I have realized that in my imperfection, I can still be a complete and whole person with a lot to offer this world.  I have had to accept and adapt to a lot of things in my life. Living life without my Husband. Losing my health and my hair to an awful disease. Living with the constant fear of a relapse of that disease. These are all somewhat obvious things that I have had to come to terms with. But unfortunately, those huge events in my life caused som...

Well, today is my 30th birthday. How in the hell did that happen? Wasn't I just in high school? Where my biggest concerns were studying for tests and practicing for an upcoming tennis match? Wow. Life was so incredibly simple back then, even if it didn't seem that way at the time. My education, my sports teams, my friends and my family were what my entire life revolved around. I could easily sit here and say, "Life was so easy back then. If only I could be 16 again." But in all honestly, there is something so beautiful about being thirty. About ME being thirty. I feel as though my life is so much richer at this point in time. Sure it has its varying degree of difficulty and stress. But my twenties taught me so much to help bring me to this place. They taught me things that can't be learned in school, or by reading a book. I have narrowed down what I think are the three most important things that I have learned thus far in life: 1) To always trust your gut 2) To re...

I cannot believe that it has been over a year since my last post! Wow. But boy does it feel good to be writing again! I don't make New Year's resolutions often, but this year, I vowed to blog on a regular basis. I have so many thoughts and experiences that I can't wait to share with you all. But for now, let's just play a bit of catch up! Bare with me, this might take awhile! As many of you know, I am the extremely proud mother of a beautiful and perfect baby girl! Evelynn Bre is now one year old! Holy crap. Wasn't I just pregnant? The past year of my life has gone by so incredibly fast. Being a mother is amazing, and more than I ever thought possible. But it is also exhausting. Scary. Frustrating. The list goes on. I am going to be one of those annoying woman and say that my birthing experience was a "breeze." I didn't realize that I was in labor until I was 5cm dilated and told to go to the hospital ASAP. I was admitted around noon, and delivered...

One year ago today, early in the morning, I was being prepped for surgery at the Stanford University Cancer Center. The decision to have the surgery was one that had been weighing on my mind for months one end. Should I risk it despite the grim percentage of success? Should I forgo the surgery and live my life until the cancer is too much for my body to handle? It was, by far, the biggest decision I have ever had to make. But boy am I glad I chose surgery! Although that morning was full of nerves and anxiousness, I was ready. I kissed my loved ones goodbye, shed a few tears, and got wheeled back into the operating room. And then everything went dark. I remember waking up and asking right away whether or not I was cancer free, and I think I remember them telling me, "yes." But it wasn't until day two when it really sank in. CANCER FREE. Wow. I had been waiting to hear those words for a very long time. That was the day I remember thinking how blessed I was. That was the ...

Well, hello there! It has been far too long since I have last posted. It has been over three months! In my last blog, I mentioned that I was tired of living in the "transitional phase" of life, and that I was was ready to start living my life! And boy did I start living. The last three past months have been full of so many wonderful things, as well as some fear, anxiety and unexpected changes. I do not even know where to begin, but let me try! I have had a lot of dreams and goals in this "new" life of mine; post cancer. These dreams and goals have always existed, but some have grown stronger, and some were forced to be put on the back burner. One of my dreams that I, very painfully, had to put on the back burner was having children. I found out that after so much chemo and radiation that I was unable to have children. I attempted to have my eggs removed and frozen, but was only able to retrieve four, as my ovaries had completely "shriveled up," according...

I often find myself thinking that I am in a "transitional" phase in my life. I remember telling myself in the three months after Dan died when I was not yet back to work that, "This time will pass. Life will start again eventually." And I have told myself that numerous times in the past few years; especially as I was laying on the couch recovering from my life saving surgery. And here I am yet again, telling myself that exact same thing; "Relax. This is just a transition. Life will start again soon." Well, boy was I wrong. I have wasted so much time in the past few years waiting for my life to start. When in fact, I am living the life that God intended me to be living RIGHT NOW. Pastor mentioned something at church on Sunday that really hit home. I don't remember what he said verbatim, but the general message was, "Don't spend so much time waiting for your life to start, that you miss an opportunity to live in the present." Amen to that...

Exactly one year ago I began blogging. My first blog was titled, "27... now what?" I wrote about how my life at 26 was not anything that I ever could have fathomed, and that 27 was going to be MY YEAR. A year to become cancer free. A year to start my master's degree. A year to travel. A year to do what ever I wanted to do. Well, here I am, one week left of being 27 and I did not do what I intended; in both good and bad ways. 27 was a year of sickness, a year of chemotherapy and treatment, a year of self-doubt, a year of celebration from being cancer free, a year of self-discovery, and a year of courage that I did not think I had. To sum it up, 27 was exhausting! Unfortunately, a large majority of the last year of life was defined and consumed by my sickness. April through July was full of treatments, which caused me to be sick and very low energy. I did do a bit of traveling, which was great! However, traveling came with its own stresses, as I was lacking an immune ...