Anxiety, That Son of A B*tch!
Anxiety; my constant companion, my unwanted partner in life. Anxiety can be a real bitch. I remember lying in bed when I was a young girl, worrying that my parents who were out for the evening, were surely injured or dead from a car crash. I had horrible homesickness throughout grade school. I just wanted to be in my safe place. Luckily, my anxiety subsided the older I got. And by the time I was in my teens, it was gone. I was a care-free and happy girl. Fast forward to 2011. Anxiety THROUGH THE ROOF. But how could I not have anxiety? Cancer in 2009. Losing my Husband in 2010. Cancer again in 2011. The bad news just kept on coming. The other shoe fell. And fell again. My brain became conditioned to fear and expect the worst. And it did. And boy oh boy did it affect all areas of my life.
Becoming pregnant with my oldest was a true miracle. I was told I couldn't conceive naturally. So when I became pregnant, I was elated! Obviously. But I was also terrified. 24/7. I just "knew" that something terrible was going to happen to this tiny baby in my belly. Every time her kicking decreased, or my morning sickness subsided, I feared the worst. Just ask my Sister. Who took me to the ER when I would panic or have an anxiety attack. Or my poor Doctor. Who I paged often, and late at night. In the end, Evelynn was born health and happy.
Anxiety looks and feels different for everyone. Some have panic attacks. Some have social anxiety. My anxiety often presents itself in the form of "intrusive thoughts/images." (My therapist taught me all of this)! Like a movie playing in front of my face, I see images. Flashes. This is especially true in regards to the anxiety I have surrounding my two girls. And it's daily. And its exhausting. For example, just the other day, I heard an ambulance going towards the general direction of my youngest's preschool. I have a flash image of a shooting at the school. My heart sank and I began to panic. I even called the school to make sure Cate was ok, and she was. I will wake up in the middle of the night and check the baby monitor. And (prepare yourself for this one) I see my two girls, dead. In their beds. Again, panic. So I run into their rooms and of course find them both fast asleep and peaceful. These intrusive thoughts/images are (again from my therapist) one of the most upsetting and traumatizing form of anxiety. They are graphic. They are horrible. And they are my reality. I struggle everyday with anxiety, but as most parents can attest, we all worry about our children above anything else. At times, I think my anxiety keeps my girls safe and protected. However, I also know that if I let it, it can cause me to shelter them too much. I feel as though I have found a balance between these two. Thank goodness.
Another area of my life that causes me constant anxiety is Kris, and his job as an EOD tech. As many of you know, Kris and Dan worked together before Dan passed away. They both worked on the bomb squad. Once Kris and I began dating, anytime I would call him or text him while he was at work and he didn't answer right away, anxiety. I feared that the same thing that happened to Dan would happen to Kris. And I still fear that. Everyday. Kris was recently deployed to the same country and area where Dan was killed. I had to sit down with Kris and my therapist and have her explain to him how important daily check in's were. To some, it may sound like I was just being needy. But that isn't the case. I needed to know that he was alive. And I needed to know this often. Kris was amazing at emailing, texting, and calling. Even if he just had five minutes, he would say, "heading to work. Call you later. Love you." He knew that if he didn't check in often, my anxiety would take over. I can't raise our girls and run our house if I am fearing the worst. But even his constant check ins weren't enough. I still worried. My heart still dropped every time someone would knock on the door. I always feared I was going to open the door to another notification team. I always feared that Kris wasn't coming home to me.
Aside from therapy, I have found things that keep my anxiety at bay. Cleaning is a big one for me. Not only does the act of cleaning (vacuuming is my fave!) calm me down, but being in a clutter-free environment keeps my brain calm. That sounds silly, I know. I also say no to things. If my anxiety is high and I get invited to go out to a social gathering, I say no. I know when I need down time, and I take it. I also do something called exposure therapy. For example, I had tickets to the Garth Brooks concert. I was so excited, but I had also convinced myself that someone was going to come and shoot up the venue, and I would never see my girls again. So, I decided to push through the anxiety and go to the concert. Sometimes exposing yourself to your fears, and overcoming those fears, can help to lessen the anxiety. And I must say, it was the absolute best concert of my life!
So, long story short, I have terrible anxiety, and it sucks! There is such a stigma around mental health. As humans, we all struggle with the uncertainty of life, and the bad things that happen to us. No one is immune to trauma. No one is immune to losing a loved one. No one is immune to anxiety and/or depression. I began seeing my therapist in 2011, and have seen her at least once a month ever since. And I can say with certainty that she saved me. Whether it was grieving Dan, surviving cancer, worrying about my kids, or battling my eating disorder, she taught me how to properly cope and handle the tough situations that came my way. I now have the tools to move through the scary and unpredictable parts of life. And I am so grateful for that. If you are struggling with anxiety or depression, I recommend seeking counseling. Give yourself the tools you need to move through this phase of life. And I am here for anyone who needs to talk. Let's be there for one another. Through it all. The good. The celebratory. The traumatic. The ugly. Talk to each other. Support each other. Be there for each other.
Love and Blessings.
Becoming pregnant with my oldest was a true miracle. I was told I couldn't conceive naturally. So when I became pregnant, I was elated! Obviously. But I was also terrified. 24/7. I just "knew" that something terrible was going to happen to this tiny baby in my belly. Every time her kicking decreased, or my morning sickness subsided, I feared the worst. Just ask my Sister. Who took me to the ER when I would panic or have an anxiety attack. Or my poor Doctor. Who I paged often, and late at night. In the end, Evelynn was born health and happy.
Anxiety looks and feels different for everyone. Some have panic attacks. Some have social anxiety. My anxiety often presents itself in the form of "intrusive thoughts/images." (My therapist taught me all of this)! Like a movie playing in front of my face, I see images. Flashes. This is especially true in regards to the anxiety I have surrounding my two girls. And it's daily. And its exhausting. For example, just the other day, I heard an ambulance going towards the general direction of my youngest's preschool. I have a flash image of a shooting at the school. My heart sank and I began to panic. I even called the school to make sure Cate was ok, and she was. I will wake up in the middle of the night and check the baby monitor. And (prepare yourself for this one) I see my two girls, dead. In their beds. Again, panic. So I run into their rooms and of course find them both fast asleep and peaceful. These intrusive thoughts/images are (again from my therapist) one of the most upsetting and traumatizing form of anxiety. They are graphic. They are horrible. And they are my reality. I struggle everyday with anxiety, but as most parents can attest, we all worry about our children above anything else. At times, I think my anxiety keeps my girls safe and protected. However, I also know that if I let it, it can cause me to shelter them too much. I feel as though I have found a balance between these two. Thank goodness.
Another area of my life that causes me constant anxiety is Kris, and his job as an EOD tech. As many of you know, Kris and Dan worked together before Dan passed away. They both worked on the bomb squad. Once Kris and I began dating, anytime I would call him or text him while he was at work and he didn't answer right away, anxiety. I feared that the same thing that happened to Dan would happen to Kris. And I still fear that. Everyday. Kris was recently deployed to the same country and area where Dan was killed. I had to sit down with Kris and my therapist and have her explain to him how important daily check in's were. To some, it may sound like I was just being needy. But that isn't the case. I needed to know that he was alive. And I needed to know this often. Kris was amazing at emailing, texting, and calling. Even if he just had five minutes, he would say, "heading to work. Call you later. Love you." He knew that if he didn't check in often, my anxiety would take over. I can't raise our girls and run our house if I am fearing the worst. But even his constant check ins weren't enough. I still worried. My heart still dropped every time someone would knock on the door. I always feared I was going to open the door to another notification team. I always feared that Kris wasn't coming home to me.
Aside from therapy, I have found things that keep my anxiety at bay. Cleaning is a big one for me. Not only does the act of cleaning (vacuuming is my fave!) calm me down, but being in a clutter-free environment keeps my brain calm. That sounds silly, I know. I also say no to things. If my anxiety is high and I get invited to go out to a social gathering, I say no. I know when I need down time, and I take it. I also do something called exposure therapy. For example, I had tickets to the Garth Brooks concert. I was so excited, but I had also convinced myself that someone was going to come and shoot up the venue, and I would never see my girls again. So, I decided to push through the anxiety and go to the concert. Sometimes exposing yourself to your fears, and overcoming those fears, can help to lessen the anxiety. And I must say, it was the absolute best concert of my life!
So, long story short, I have terrible anxiety, and it sucks! There is such a stigma around mental health. As humans, we all struggle with the uncertainty of life, and the bad things that happen to us. No one is immune to trauma. No one is immune to losing a loved one. No one is immune to anxiety and/or depression. I began seeing my therapist in 2011, and have seen her at least once a month ever since. And I can say with certainty that she saved me. Whether it was grieving Dan, surviving cancer, worrying about my kids, or battling my eating disorder, she taught me how to properly cope and handle the tough situations that came my way. I now have the tools to move through the scary and unpredictable parts of life. And I am so grateful for that. If you are struggling with anxiety or depression, I recommend seeking counseling. Give yourself the tools you need to move through this phase of life. And I am here for anyone who needs to talk. Let's be there for one another. Through it all. The good. The celebratory. The traumatic. The ugly. Talk to each other. Support each other. Be there for each other.
Love and Blessings.
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