The Resilient Widow

After months of deliberating, months of panic attacks, months of denial, and months of utter fear, a surgery date has been set. And it feels good. A weight has been lifted off my shoulders. It took me long enough to make the decision to proceed with this surgery, and the fact that it is quickly approaching is a crazy feeling. I have never been contradicted with so many various emotions. Fear. Anxiety. Excitement. Hope. And at this point, it is exhausting. Don’t get me wrong, the thought of being cancer free is exhilarating. I often find myself day dreaming about my life, post cancer. And it is beautiful. A career. A man who loves me and supports me. Children. I literally become   giddy as these thoughts take over my subconscious. But as quickly as they enter my mind, the leave. And they are replaced with an emptiness. A void. And that void can only be filled by one thing; my Husband. I have so many nights where I lay in bed laden with fear, and a horrible feeling of loneliness. ...

I realize that many of my blogs sound repetative. Woe is me. I have cancer. I am a widow. My life sucks. That being said, I have felt like I need to make a change in my life, but was having trouble figuring out what that change was. I realize now that it was not one big change, but multiple little changes to make my life what I want it to be. Hence my newest entry... My once boring and mundane life is now tumultuous, dramatic, scary and extremely stressful. And as sad as it is for me to admit, I have adjusted to this new life and have accepted it as normal. I have accepted my situation for what it is, and have decided to make the absolute best of it. I have been trying to change the unchangeable for the past few months, and I give up. Dan is dead. I cannot change that. I have cancer. I cannot change that. I will be having an extremely dangerous surgery in the near future. I cannot change that. I feel powerless. And that is very frustrating and tiresome. Because I cannot change th...