Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Letters From My Love

Four years ago today, July 18th, 2008, I started dating the love of my life, Daniel James. He is not only my Husband, but my soul mate, my Hero, and my Angel. I have been so incredibly blessed to have been a part of Dan’s life. Our two years and three months together were so full of love, laughter, faith and commitment. We laughed. We dreamed. We planned a future together. We had it all, and we were so happy. Our life together was cut short. He was ripped from me in a matter of seconds, and my life was changed forever. I was changed forever.

As I was sitting in my room last night, missing Dan and being so overcome with anger at where I am in my life, I decided to read through all of the emails that Dan and I had ever sent each other while he was deployed. That was the best decision I could have made. I often feel sad, lonely, depressed, scared and worthless. These feelings can be so incredibly daunting and consuming, but they are real. And I understand that many of these feelings stem from the hormones and side effects of my chemotherapy, but they are real nonetheless. Reading through Dan’s emails, and reading his words of love and comfort take away all of the negative thoughts and feelings that run through my mind, and that is such a blessing. Below are a few quotes from my Love:
“I love you so much sweetheart...have I told you that before? Maybe once or twice. We truly do have a blessed marriage and I feel so lucky to have found you! I sometimes think of all the things that led me to meet you. Like starting with making the decision of joining the Air Force, then deciding to do EOD, and getting stationed at Vandenberg, and finding South Valley CC to go to and meet Bobbie and Vince and go to the bible study. God definitely has a plan for our lives. Everything that happens in our lives happens for a reason and God is in control! You are an amazing wife and I love you so much!!!! I will talk to you soon :)”
“Well sweetheart, I Love You very much! And I miss you very much! I can't wait to come home to you :) Soon enough. I'm praying for you everyday baby! Stay strong and I will talk to you soon! I LOVE YOU!!!”
“Well Sweetheart, I am going to get some sleep. I will dream about you!! I Love You VERY VERY VERY VERY MUCH!!! :) And I can't wait to hold you in my arms again! Soon enough babe! I'll talk to you soon honey! Have a good day at work today and try not to get stressed or have a bad day. Think of me and smile :) I Love You!!”
“And I can't wait to talk to you again! I loved hearing your beautiful voice last night(morning for you). I know it's only been a few days, but I miss you so much baby! But I know we can do it! God is protecting both of us and He is there to comfort you and help you through this deployment, me too.”
These very personal and very private words from Dan mean so much to me. Even in his absence, he has helped me through some of the worst times. He continues to encourage me, continues to remind me to lean on God, and continues to build me up to be the woman that God intended me to be. I realize that I am not the same woman that Dan married. I was a very strong, confident and positive person. Now I am a shell of what I used to be. I am sick. I am weak. I am scared. And I doubt myself in every aspect of my life. How did I allow myself to become this person? I often think that Dan would be so upset at how I have changed and morphed into the new me. But I know that he would still love me and support just the same. He would kiss my bald head. He would rub my back as I threw up from chemo. He would hold my hand throughout countless doctors appointments. And he would be my rock. I need my rock. I need him here to keep my head above water, because I often feel as if I am drowning.  
Dan’s words remind me to carry on. They push me through to the next day. I have been blessed with amazing friends and family to help me through this journey. But my biggest blessing of all has been him. I really do not have much of a message with this particular blog. I am simply putting my emotions down on paper. I am remembering Dan, and the amazing and strong Husband that he was. 
I want to be happy again. I want to smile and have it be genuine, not forced. I want to love someone with every ounce of my being. I want to encourage people. I want someone to look at me the way that Dan did. I want my old life back. I want to not hurt.
To my Daniel, thank you for being a constant pillar of love and strength for me. I know that I can get past this. I know that I can make you proud. I know that I will be happy. I know that I will be whole once again. Just give me time. Forever yours,
- Your Wife

1 comment:

  1. I'm glad Dan's words brought you comfort and strength. Your love for each other is beautiful.