I am not working right now, but I often find myself wishing that I was. I want something to fill my mind besides my tumultuous life. I want deadlines. I want staff meetings. I want business trips. And the fact that I am not working is just another reminder that I am sick, and cannot physically do so. So instead, I find myself with time, time to think. Time to think about my illness, and that I may not be around in a few short months. Time to think about my Husband, and the fact that the love of my life was ripped from me in a matter of seconds. Time to think about how I cannot have children naturally, and may never have children. Time to think about how my family will react if something terrible happens to me on the operating table. Too much time to think. Overwhelmed? Hell yes.
Perhaps one of the most difficult things about my life is that I do not have the opportunity to forget about it, even for a short time. Each day I am reminded that I am sick, or that I am widowed, or that my life is at a standstill. I try to work out and stay healthy, but my energy level is so low that I am tired before I even begin. I try to go out and have fun, but I fear that every door handle I touch or table that I sit at may be infected with bacteria that can make me extremely ill. I try to make myself feel attractive every day, only to come home and take my wig off at night, and feel ugly once again. Reminders of my new life are everywhere, bringing me back down to reality with a powerful and painful punch in the gut.
On a more encouraging note, this overwhelmed girl has been blessed with many things to keep me occupied. So instead of sitting around thinking, I try to live. The operative word being, “try.” I have a new hobby; golf. Well, I think you can call it a hobby. I am absolutely terrible at it, but it is fun. I now understand why Dan would curse incessantly during the game; it is extremely frustrating. But, I love the driving range. There is something so incredibly therapeutic about the silence of the driving range, and being able to smack the heck out of a tiny white ball. It is my escape. As is shopping. Retail therapy is the best thing out there, and I am great at it. And there are so many things that I still want to try. It is one my goals to catch a fish in my lifetime. I want to travel, I want to skydive, I want to camp, I want to write a book. I want to, and I will.
And when I am at my most overwhelmed, I turn to my family and my friends. I cry with them, and I laugh with them. I do not think that my family and friends realize how much it means to me when they spend time with me. Whether it is a quick dinner, or a weekend out of town, it means the world to me. I often find myself holding back when I want to visit with my friends. I always fear that I am "bugging" them, or being an annoyance. I do not ever want someone to spend time with me because they feel obligated. So when I do call or ask to hang out, it is usually because I genuinely need to be with someone. So I whole heartedly appreciate those who have made the time to be with me, even at my craziest. You keep my head above the water. My lifesavers.
Being overwhelmed is a scary feeling, because it is often hard to come out of. I have gone days on end being so overwhelmed that I cry myself to sleep. And I have had days where I can mentally check out and focus on other things, which are a huge blessing. Those are the days that I need more of. I know that this phase of life that I am in is temporary. But it has become my new normal, which I do not enjoy. I need this phase to be over, because I am not sure how much longer I can go with being overwhelmed, sad, anxious, worried, depressed. But, I will continue to fight through this time in my life, because I know that there is light at the other end. I may fake a smile at times, but I am smiling nonetheless. I may fake a laugh at time, but I am laughing nonetheless. Unfortunately, my tears are real. Those I cannot fake. The hard truth is that there have been more tears then smiling lately. More tears than laughing.
Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming.